Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
