I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
