GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
