Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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