Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize