peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
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She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.