I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.