I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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