I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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