the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
