question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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