When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
