I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
