I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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