when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
