Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
