she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
