He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
