Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
