i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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