why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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