I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
