Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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