I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
