I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize