I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
