a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my liver is dry heaving
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
