Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
