mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
