when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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