Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
