the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
