I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i drank out of a bidet.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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