what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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