first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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