T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
