Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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