I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
