I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
