Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How does one acquire holy water?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
