Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
