Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
