im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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