would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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