She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
