At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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