i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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