remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
