There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
