I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
