and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
