yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
