eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
