saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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