I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
