I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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