allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
