Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
