legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
