anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
