Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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