dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
