The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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