What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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