i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
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I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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